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[29 Apr 2008|03:50pm] |
"And on the bus there is a friend of mine
We go way back to the scene of the crime
Sit up front and share a cigarette
And try to remember what we tried to forget"
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[14 Mar 2008|01:55pm] |
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My mom apparantly CAN NOT handle the truth. So much so, that she's actually kicked me out again and she thinks i'm looking for an apartment on the internet, but fucking AS IF. I am not gonna be able to find a place to live as quickly as she is expecting, and i don't know if she is serious or just on a power trip like usual. So maybe i'm gonna have no choice but to take up meaghan on her offer of moving back into the old apartment for one month. Another thing that sucks is that i got a form in the mail from Revenue Canada last week that my teacher/employer is required to fill out before i can be considered further for the job and my teacher has filled it out and signed it etc. But i have no cell phone anymore, no form of communication what so-ever, no bus fair, no bus tickets left, no nothing, and it HAS to be handed in before three or they won't accept it at all. So i've got an hour to try and find a way there and its NOT going to happen, so i guess i won't be getting that job.
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| makin' little to nooo sense |
[11 Mar 2008|04:09pm] |
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It's not that i don't understand why i'm doing these things, i understand why but i hate it. I don't have clarity on much in life because i always wonder or think about the fact that everything we believe to be true could be a lie. "The life we live calls for lies! STRICTLY LIES!!"? I'm doing these things, these little things to try and relieve the pressure. I eat, i excessively drink water, smoke, write to pass the time, and get high to pass the time. Not that i know exactly what i want or what i need to make me happy, but if i know anything i know what DOESN'T make me happy & a lot of the things i partake in lately don't particularly please me. Prozac doesn't make me happy and neither do pain killers, they don't even kill the pain (not sure if they ever did) but now they just help pass the time, relieve the pressure. I know what i want to be and i know what i have the potential to be but it seems theres a lot of people like me in the world, the ones who just can't get by, life is just too hard. I'm never emotionally, physically, or mentally stable for too long of periods. It comes in bouts where i'm relatively emotion-less, which is great, and i'm physically well, but that leaves. It seems like it comes and goess too quickly that i don't even take it in, i forget, when i'm sick, i forget what it feels like to be well. I completely forget. I don't remember what it feels like to be a physically healthy person, and then as soon as i'm better, it happens too subtle - so i don't even notice. And i go on and i totally forget what it feels like to be a sick person, like i remember MYSELF actually being ill, but i don't really remember what it feels like. Well i'm not feeling it at the time. And before i know it i'm sick again lol.
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[07 Mar 2008|04:13pm] |
sooooooo I cannot wait until Spring Break, mostly cause I spend a vast majority of my drunk minutes, regardless of the time of year, yelling SPRING BREAK OH SEVEN, and I think it'll be more fun seeing as how it'll be an actual Spring Break except it'll be oh eight instead of oh seven
I got my test scores back from Revenue Canada and I passed, by ONE fucking point, and I'm kind of disappointed, but at least I'm not ruled out of a job yet. I also applied at the corner store lol cause they have a new management now so they are looking to hire and its so close that I could walk to and fro (and just not work there once I move)
I am apartment hunting still, but taking it slow cause I'm in no hurry (thanks mom) anymore. Hopefully a wolseley location. Or osborne. Well I just want to be a little pickier this time lol and I WANT hardwood floors! Carpet is horrible for puke and spilt drinks and I'm good for both ON A REGULAR BASIS
I'm not sure how likely it is that I am going to graduate this year but I got my English S3 credit like yesterday or something so that is good
I still want to graduate this year, but I don't want to get my hopes up, cause it really isn't a big deal if I have to go back for a couple months to finish up next year
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| /pondering life |
[16 Feb 2008|07:00pm] |
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Graduating is my biggest aspiration but I honestly feel so much better bussing to or by my school with a hangover and in order to be hung over on a daily basis i'd have to get drunk on a nightly basis but then i'd never finish school.
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[11 Feb 2008|08:51pm] |
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Things have been pretty good lately. Today was really cold and my mom and me got into a fight. I really have to look for a new place to live as soon as possible because I’m losing my mind. Not consistently but inconsistently enough to lose it completely if I stay here.
I really hope I can finish high school this year! Mostly cause I really want a graduation but also because I just want to get it out of the way already. I have 20 credits right now, I’m working on 4.5 more right now and I’m almost done 3.5 of them, but not the last 1 which is my grade 12 psychology cause I just started, so that’s totally understandable. But that means once I’m done all the courses I’m currently working on I only need 3.5 credits to graduate! Keep in mind that I did start the year a month late and with only 19 credits, also keep in mind I still need grade 12 English. I figure if I finish all these credits by the end of February or mid March that I’d be able to finish 3.5 credits in 3 to 3.5 months. Like, I‘d obviously have to work my ass off, but it‘s possible. I just want a graduation!! And a date lol.
I went for that test at Revenue Canada on Saturday morning like I had planned. I’m not sure how good I did, but hopefully I did good enough to get the job. Honestly, I’d be so happy. On the other hand, if I do get the job I definitely won’t be able to go with Nicole to Alberta to see my Dad, Tracey and my little brother Chance because they’re going in the beginning of April, which is right when the job will start. =(
Anyways, I’m still keeping up with being a ‘non-smoker’ in a ‘smoker’ world. (15 days and counting!) Well I guess considering you can’t really smoke anywhere nowadays its more of a ‘non-smoker’ world, but when I look around me I beg to differ. Intervention is on, so I feel quite accomplished lol and I love Hubert and that boy who is addicted to OxyCoton. Honestly I'm in love with him, he's so great looking, and he's a good musician. I wish he'd be my date for grad if he's still sober. Anyways I should go make my lunch for school tomorrow and then brush my teeth and then go to sleep.
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[31 Jan 2008|04:05pm] |
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music |
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regina spektor -samson (on repeat) |
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So I don’t really know what to say, things have been lively? I guess you could say that lol
My mom is crazy, and now my grandma is in the hospital as of today. And I was in the hospital on Monday and it scared the shit out of me cause I’ve always been pretty hard on my body but never had any health concerns until now. I went by myself, also, because my mom said I wasn’t burning up but as soon as I got to the hospital they checked my temperature and I had a fever of 38.7. I hope I get better really soon, but it’s going be hard because of how low my white blood cells are. I have an appointment at HSC on tuesday so I'll hopefully learn everything I need to know in order to get better. Everyone is sick though, everyone!
I’ve been bitchy like crazy but it’s not like I snap on anyone I just have zero tolerance for stupidity. This girl in the public library accidently bumped me with her labtop case thingy but it kind of surprised me and then she just kept walking so I was like OUCH fuck lol and then she said sorry. I quit smoking cigarettes (and dope) on Sunday. I know it hasn’t been that long but I’ve had an emotional rollercoaster ride of week and I haven’t craved a smoke once. Plus it almost seems like my mom is smoking twice as much as she usually does AND in front of me on purpose. Whatever though, I think I’d probably choke to death if I smoked and it would just make me sicker and I’d get a head rush. The doc upped my dose to 30 mgs but I’m kind of thinking about going off of prozac or maybe going on something else. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know if its helping anymore. I definitely don't think I'm stable without antidepressants but right now I'm not stable with, so.
As soon as I get better I’m a) getting a job and b) getting my own apartment so I don't have to live with my mom anymore. I don’t know what made me think that things would change or be any different this time a round. But, I gave it a shot, its not the end of the world, but if I stay her much longer I‘ll go crazy. If worse comes to worse meaning I can‘t find an apartment I might move to Alberta with my Dad. Maybe I'd finish school first, I don't know though. I haven't really thought about it. I also have to start GOING but I’ve been so sick. I have a lot to catch up on so I need something to motivate me and this freezing fucking cold weather is NOT doing the trick.
Well anyways I better be going, I have to nap if I want to feel good enough to go to the Albert for Meaghans 18th birthday! Come down and buy her drinks. Tomorrow I'm going house sitting with Mel just to get the fuck out of here and I'm done my antibiotic so hopefully I'm better but I can already tell I won't be.
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[05 Aug 2007|05:29pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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I just want back in your head.
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[18 Dec 2006|11:41pm] |
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music |
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The Kooks - She Moves In Her Own Way |
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Holy, the year is almost over. This whole year went by way too quickly. I haven't updated in so long I don't even know where I left off, and where ever it was, it probably didn't make any sense. Still, nothing makes sense! So much has happened this year. Whats new...hmm. I plan to quit smoking after new years, hopefully that pans out well. My docter told me for my age my lungs are really bad and rattly sounding. Actually both my docters did, cause I have 2, that I see very frequently due to my obsessive-ness of always thinking something is wrong with me. On the flip side, my heart is working good (at least it was). I hate how I always replace one bad habit with another. Eventually I'll have used up every bad habit. Maybe thats when I'll die. I have so many things on my list to do this week, before I head off on the big grey dog to Alberta on Thursday. It's killing me. I'm getting my nose pierced tomorrow, bleaching my roots on Wednesday, I have to pack, and I still have about 30 more things on that list. There is no way I will finish it all. Life seems really simple when I think about it, but yet I'm always freaking out because of something, and I still never sleep. I'm always sick, I was on antibiotics the last week but I had to stop taking them because I had a nervous break down and cried for two days straight. And puffy eyes is not a good look for me. School is going really good, except I miss way too much and all my teachers have talked to me about it AND my principle called me out of class when I was so stoned to talk to me about it, and it was way too funny. I think I've improved in most aspects of life, but at the same time I am in a pretty good mood, and if I was in a bad mood I'd probably be raving on the bad. Which reminds me hahaha I went partying Saturday and then Meaghan and I called Tina and went and met up with her and danced! It was fun. I suddenly got major chills and I feel sick so I'm going to go lay down to see if I feel better. I hope everyone has a really good Christmas break, etc.
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[28 Jun 2006|01:16am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Cock Sparrer - Take Em' All |
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Everyone is mad, at something, at anything. Everyone is pointing fingers to blame the best target for their stupid mistakes. Everyone wishes and convinces themselves that it's everyone else, but it's not. It's you; it's me; it's her; it's him. I can't wait til the next time I get intoxicated and leave an incoherant message on my answering machine. I can't wait until I go to Alberta. I can't wait until things are normal again; better again.
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[07 Jun 2006|03:04pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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The Cars - Lets Go |
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I'm starting to pay attention to how people precieve me, and it's actually interesting.
This week is going by unbelievably fucking slow, especially since I never sleep anymore. Which also means I'm never going to get better and I'm going to continue coughing up neon green snot and continue being sore on every bone in my body and continue feeling like I am dying.
I'm halfly afraid to lose a friend, but the other half feels like we haven't been friends for weeks. I'm sick of fighting, but not sick enough to stop, which makes me even sicker, and thinking about it just makes me head hurt.
Maybe I should stop assuming everyone has common sense. Maybe I should stop assuming people don't enjoy violence, pain, and other comparable negative factors. Maybe I should stop assuming that best friends don't lie to one another. Maybe I should stop assuming all these useless facts that clearly seem to be getting me no where and if I had just stopped a second and investigated the fact that this isn't working, none of it, not even a little bit, and maybe it is in fact all my fault. And I want so badly to believe that the whole world isn't filled with useless peice of shit scumbags, but that is all I seem to be seeing.
Ask me anything about music, movies, and even history, and I can fill your head with useless information, but ask me anything about how to change yourself or change something wrong in your life, and I have no answers.
All I wish is that everyone would stop caring about the little things, and just be those wild I'm-cool-and-don't-give-a-shit kids with big hearts, small egos, and a taste for fun, like we used to be.
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[01 Jun 2006|09:34pm] |
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Well I went into this guys car for some reason, in the back seat, and I never even saw his face. Just his aviator sunglasses and curly hair. I guess I didn't want to stand or I was waiting for Meaghan or something. It was on a sunny street that was almost like a bus loop but with no houses. So I get in, to either smoke a cigarette or get really fucked up on all sorts of drugs. I think I did both inside the car, but if I remember correctly I was pretty fucked up before I got in. And I sat in silence for a while, smoking my cigarette. But then whenever I asked a question or said anything the guy wouldn't respond to me. And I remember having a weird feeling about it, cause I was asking him when he was leaving or what not, cause I needed to get out before he left, cause I was waiting/meeting Meaghan. And he wouldn't answer, and I just assumed maybe I was too fucked up to even be talking loud enough. Plus the seat in front of me seemed pretty high and there may/may not have been music on. It didn't really seem to phase me though, I just kinda let it slide. But there was some form of a buzzing, possibly because I was so fucked up. And then he started driving, and I remember not being able to talk, or him at least not acting as if he was hearing me. And I was like "I need to get out! Buddy let me out!" but I feel like maybe I lost my voice from my bronchitis. But he wouldn't listen, respond, stop, or do anything, and I was getting extremely creeped out/worried/thinking he was going to take me somewhere and rape me. Cause he was going full speed out of the bus loopy thing. So I opened the door and I start to put my feet out. And I felt the cement at my feet, but not really the cement, more so just hard surface. And I'm thinking "why won't this fucker stop?". I clearly remember thinking in my head "Oh my fucking god, my whole body is pushing right through me from my feet." I could feel everything moving upwards, even my teeth. And I was thinking, I am so fucked up I probably can't even feel the half of it. I must be getting seriously hurt! I then remember thinking "Should I jump? Should I? Will I get hurt?". And then I didn't even have to time to decide when I woke up, out of breath. Verrry intense.
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[23 May 2006|07:39pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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Demented Are Go - Queen Of Disease |
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I'm just sitting here smoking a menthol cigarette. I'm working hard and going to all my classes this week. Uh, I have a eye docter appointment this thursday, and my mom is making a docters appointment for my heart tomorrow. Caitlan is coming to RE for track and field day, she better get me a trophy. I think I am catching a cold.
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[20 Apr 2006|01:14pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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The Cars - Tonight She Comes |
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I'm writing a book, I think, but taking it slow. I'm reading like 3 books right now, too. And I'm in danger of failing 3 courses this semester if I don't get my ass in gear. The definition of a nihilist is "An extreme form of skepticism that denies all existence" but yet in one of the descriptions they say "A delusion, experienced in some mental disorders, that the world or one's mind, body, or self does not exist" calling it a delusion. I mean, this is someones beliefs and they are calling it a delusion. It just kind of pisses me off. Give me your insight on this, if you have any.
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[12 Feb 2006|12:59am] |
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music |
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Against Me! - Pints of Guinness Make You Strong |
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So I woke up in the morning extra early and went straight to the bathroom and proceeded to projectile vomit. I then did that again & again & again throughout the day. I couldn't even keep ginger ale in my stomach, let alone food. I'm feeling a bit better now, but I have taken so much tylenol today and this nausea medication. Then Meaghan and I watched The Green Mile and Pulp Fiction.
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[04 Oct 2005|08:33pm] |
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music |
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Alanis Morisette - Perfect |
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I know I don't write in here as often as some people, but I just want you all to know I'm not half as sad as I seem to be in my posts.
I know a lot of you probably don't care what I write, but I will do it anyways.
I'm actually a very happy person. I laugh probably more then you do. Every week is wonderful. I love school. I love the friends I have, and the way my days go. I love my weekends. Minus the fact that I have been sick for quite some time now, everything is going great. I don't miss the world I used to live in. I'm on good terms with everyone that I was worried I would fall apart from. I go out a lot, mostly with Meaghan, and I'm active in gym class. I eat healthy meals, and I stay away from bad people. I had sushi today, and got a purple sweater. And just so you know me and Meaghan have perfected horking. I see my brother almost every weekend, and he seems to change every weekend too. I read too much, involuntarily. My English teacher may very well be related to Satan. I hate rumors about me and the girls at my school that try to act grown up, but both give me something to laugh at.
So in conclusion, life is nearing perfect.
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